01 - Euphoric Eulogy

this is eulogy for my future self
this is to place me in the ground
so its heart felt
when my heart stops feeling
and beats down until it melts
when my brain stops turning
and implodes into itself
 
when my limbs quit moving
at the conclusion of my health
when my death seems suited
to the last words from my mouth
I’ll be shouting in a whisper
please just let me out
I’m done with this here mission
I’ve finished with myself
 
I’m ready for my next assignment
selling souls on sweet consignment
taking tolls with expert timing
applying the skimming pocket change
maneuver to my buy myself a ride back home
one conclusion
I’m losing whatever sanity I had before
I used it
 
I maintain I’m not quite lost yet
but maybe along the way
I lost a few bets
maybe once or twice a day I felt like
taking my own life
that I regret
but when you gamble with your happiness
you better be prepared to lose your chips
 
I don’t want to remember all the times
I almost did it...
some days were better
and some were worse
kind of like
some days have sunshine
some days are best spent pining
for the hearse
 
climb aboard the worst
cause you can’t get any better
when your head is stuck
behind the funeral curtain
that much is certain
you better search for a way out
before your spirit worsens
 
learn to make your hurting
part of what makes you stronger
instead of something
that weakens your soul
and burdens
 
sweet inversion
so deep under the earth and lurking
in amongst the dirt demons
and spirits of lost meanings
I hear it as I swim nearer
into the ground to rest my weary bones
for the rest of time align my soul
with the rest of my family line
 
sink down
into the ground
oh no I won’t be coming back
 
fall down
into the ground
oh no I won’t be coming back
 
back to back with my buddy
the darkness
face to face with some bloody
garments
torn from place by a
bloody car wreck
I won the race to the finish
that life can diminish into
when you don’t care
why you're living it
 
what a waste
to pace yourself
when you know the prize
at the end is magnificent
splendid job just getting there
I wanna go out with some style
but keep a little bit of innocence
 
I wanna pile high
my achievements
as long as they read
like a laundry list
of deviant ingredients
I ponder this
every time I meditate
I wander less
when I’m stuck in single state
 
I could suck the life
from ten thousand degenerates
like Shang Tsung
I’m prone to finish them
but all the company
in the world
won’t stop me from
diminishing
 
it’s interesting
oh wait no its not
I’m so much less amazing
than I previously thought
if only the rest of the world
would realize the same
instead they fought
over who was to blame
for the state of the world today
 
when really the whole
damn thing was one gigantic mistake
maybe you can relate
it’s that creeping feeling you get
just after you're awake
when you know you're alone
and you feel your fate
like you could die and
no one would even know
unless they invaded your place
 
but by the time anyone
knew you were missing
you'd have decayed
into a messy pile of waste
maybe its messed up to think about these things
but I can’t stop myself I think maybe
it’s a sign of my own fate
 
I reach further into my mind each time I speak
I write line after dirty line
just because I relate
to the messages I eventually uncover
like a decoder ring for my subconscious
my other emotions mostly agree
but the consequences are
I sometimes run out steam
 
sometimes
I’m pulling so much out of me
that all I’m left with is a husk
of haunted debris
please place this message in a bottle
and ship it off to me
once I receive ill
finally
know what it means to be
 
sink down
into the ground
oh no I won’t be coming back
 
fall down
into the ground
oh no I won’t be coming back

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